the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
