Need sex. Gaining weight.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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