I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
