He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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