I wish my penis had an off switch
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
porn star boner night. come get it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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