I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
