"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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