She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My feet surprised me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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