Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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