Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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