i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
