just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
