so that wasnt chicken after all
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
