1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
