I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
