omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
