he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
