Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
