those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
