im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize