she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
