Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
