I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize