1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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