also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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