i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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