I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
