The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
