It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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