i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
