I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
