I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I need to calm my uterus...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
