Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
