Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
