maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
