"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You can't just leave with hair like that
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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