i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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