Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
