Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize