You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize