I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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