I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
