Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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