She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize