Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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