I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
