I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize