Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
