Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
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