new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I think i peed on brittanys purse
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Randomize
