Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Randomize
