Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize