Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
