you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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