i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm šš»š
We are so blessed
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
sorry didnāt mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends canāt come over any more.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
