Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize