Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize