I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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