nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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