It's Friday. Sex?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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