508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
