I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
