I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize