The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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